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Youthful friendships are about philosophizing, comic relief, commonalities and soul searching in tandem. Then life changes and so do the relationships, depending on paths traveled both literally in terms of distance, and figuratively in terms of career and family. Individuals become couples and socialize as couples. Over time, the individuals who were once integral in your life become coupled dinner friends, and the palate is often not satisfied.
As couples, socializing becomes scheduled and typically revolves around food. “We should meet for dinner” or “Come over for dinner.” We catch up, relive old times and sometimes tell stories we’ve already told. By the end of the night, I’m depressed and worn out, and wonder why. This isn’t right. I care about these people. I think it may be the overindulgence in wine, rich food and sweets. Maybe it was the energy expended making trite conversation to avoid awkward silence, or straining to hear each other over restaurant noise. While I appreciate the serendipity of maintaining friendships over decades, sometimes it feels like just that; maintenance, a watered-down version of friendship sans meaningful conversation.
With age, we become set in our ways and jaded by life experience, less open to others’ opinions, somewhat guarded about our failures and fearful of being judged. As a result, the dialogue follows a superficial course. It feels like fake fun, going through the motions. Gaps are filled with common courtesies and stilted compliments, avoiding delicate topics so as not to offend. If one is put off by the other, it’s too easy to disconnect at this stage of life. “Sorry, we’re busy over the next few weeks. We’ll call you.”
When I was young and hanging out with friends, I never wanted the night to end. Now, I find myself longing for solitude. I attributed it to my introverted personality until I shared these thoughts with my husband who is not enlisted in the quiet revolution. I was surprised to discover he felt the same way about these dinner dates. We don’t want to sever these relationships entirely but are somewhat baffled how our friendships became rewired and are now connected by dinner for four.
Gail's Blog 
It is interesting the way friendships evolve – sometimes we just grow apart because we don’t have those things in common that seemed so very urgent and important when we were younger.
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Thanks for commenting, Andrea. I suppose there is less in common since our divergent paths brought us different experiences and, as a result, different life lessons. I also think the time between communications is a factor. When too much time passes, conversation gets reduced to catch-up time and small talk. Then a kiss on the check and “‘Until next time, take care.”
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Awesome post! I’ve found myself thinking about this very issue recently. I’ve drifted away from old friends, and though part of me would like to reach out and reconnect, I mostly just want to leave the past behind.
There are some people and relationships that work for us in a certain time and place, but once that era ends, you can’t go back. And if you try to recapture it, the friendship feels forced — like a shadow of what it used to be. Maybe that’s why reunions always feel so odd: because even though you’re with people you used to know, you can’t bring back the moment. It’s gone. It’s run its course.
I miss the people I used to know from high school and college, but reconnecting has always proven awkward. People take divergent paths. In some ways, it seems sad to lose those relationships, but then I remember that life is about changing and growing, and if I keep that in mind, then the loss doesn’t feel so profound.
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Thanks, Peter. I like the way you put this in perspective: “There are some people and relationships that work for us in a certain time and place, but once that era ends, you can’t go back.” I guess that’s why we need to keep making new friends.
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This job has helped me to lose weight … not only because of the physical labor, but also because of Crew Leader Carl.
Whenever I’m around him, I never have an appetite.
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I think time between communication is the biggest factor. I experience this all the time. What is interesting to me is that it seems to be more prevalent when I meet up with my friends who are coupled. They are so busy with their partner/kids that they don’t have time for friendships anymore. When I meet up with my unmarried friends this is not so evident. I guess because we make more effort to see each other more regularly. Great though provoking post Gail.
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Yes, that’s why I need more unmarried friends.
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