James Radcliffe’s post On the Value of Conversation struck a chord with me. Honestly, I do not remember the last time I had a meaningful, in-depth, conceptual conversation with someone.
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During youth, this type of conversation is commonly part of the honeymoon period in the early stages of a friendship when both parties hunger to understand each other and to be understood. It is a cleansing, soulful experience ending in a bond with a promise of the same connection at the earliest opportunity. Maybe it unfolds in the kitchen or at a bar or while taking a walk. It is private and non-judgmental.
As the years go by, static develops in the line. Lack of time, fear of disclosure, or as James indicates, lack of self-esteem restrains the type of dialogue that lends itself to “to plumb the depths and recesses of ourselves and the world.” People who become judgmental and defensive deter others from delving into areas that may touch on a sensitive subject. There is a fear of judgment on one side and a concern about sounding critical on the other. As James points out, it is important that “participants are willing to be truthful and present.’ That is much easier between people who are not protective of their truths and not preoccupied with their past.
The young tend to be less paranoid and have less of a past to dwell on. As people get older, they become jaded. Their hot buttons multiply and they carry mental baggage, riddled with guilt over actions they’ve taken that resulted in failure or disappointment.
For many years, my human connections have mostly been small talk, consisting of flavors of the month and highlights of the day. One of the facets of the blog community I relish is the thought-provoking subjects and the opportunity for “connection, communion, truth-finding, enlightenment, inspiration and healing.”
Thank you, James, for inspiring this post.
Gail's Blog 
One of the reasons introverts avoid social gatherings is because much of the conversation is small talk or a series of anecdotes shared between attendees. Introverts much prefer deep conversations (and I imagine extroverts do too, they’re probably just much better at looking interested than us introverts!). But as you point out, people avoid these deeper conversations for fear of offending or running into differences in opinion. It’s too bad we fear healthy debate, and it’s too bad so much of it veers off into confrontational dialogue, especially online where people feel free to say things they’d never say face to face.
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So true, Carrie. I avoid blogs where people are nasty. I seek out those that promote divergent points of view without personal attacks.
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It’s so sad how when we were younger we spoke without inhibition. Innocence allowed us to truly speak our minds. And now we are afraid to do so. We don’t want to offend, we don’t want the other person to think badly of us or disagree with us, and sometimes we just aren’t sure if the other person feels as comfortable talking about deeper subjects with us as we feel we are with them. And thus the conversations become shallower. It really is a sad trend. I wish adults spoke more freely and we shared how we really felt with others.
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Yes, shallow was the word I was looking for. I miss those days of sitting in a car with a friend until 3 a.m., talking about the world we live in and what the future holds. I am lucky enough to still be in contact with a high-school friend, but now our conversations revolve around the past instead of the future and short-term, individualized goals rather than the direction the world is taking.
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I find that it gets harder to talk about the future when you are with someone you have known for so long. I find that when I talk to the friends I have known since I was younger, we reminisce so much that it makes me wonder, are we just living in the past? Shouldn’t we be talking about the future?
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Yes, Lauren, and it seems harder to talk about topics outside ourselves. We all know politics and religion are risky topics, even with friends. We’re too consumed with the day-to-day to explore topics beyond our horizons. Even the subject of the environment can be polarizing. So what’s left is, “How’s the kids? How’s work? Remember when…?”
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Exactly, we are too worried about potential conflict to really push the boundaries with our conversations, and we fall into those comfortable habits. It really is a sad trend.
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Such a good and thought-provoking post and very true. As we get older we stop asking one another the big, deep questions which can lead to big, deep thoughts and revelations.
Age for some people brings fear, defensiveness, closed horizons, jadedness, or just mouthing off about big topics which can be just as shallow.
But then it’s up to us to keep on asking the big universal and smaller personal questions to ourselves and others. People might fend them off at the time but if it stroke a chord with them, it will pop up in the mind later and plant a seed for deeper thinking….
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Perhaps. I do that with my children – express my thoughts or raise a question to ponder with no expectation of an immediate response but with the hope that I’ve planted a seed for their contemplation.
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I want to put this into practice with friends too, the better the questions the better the answers and if not I’ll rather ‘talk’ to lovely thinking bloggers like you online 🙂
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